Tonight

Hello laptop. It's been awhile since I've typed out my thoughts. It's not like I haven't tried but you've become intimidating. Every time I decide to write I see this blank white space staring back at me daring me to say something interesting. So, in an attempt to make you less intimidating I've started this paragraph. You can call it rambles, but it's my start of inspiration.


Ok now that that bologna is over and dealt with; here I am, with a deep breath, cup of tea, exhausted body, and wandering mind.

The superbowl is this Sunday and Green Bay has done it again. They've worked as a team to push their way to the big game. This isn't the first time. The Packers have won more championships than any other team in NFL history, twelve to be exact. The closest to them (my personal favs) are the Bears with nine (yay Bears!!!!).

Why the sudden football craze? Well I saw the logo and thought how crazy it was that everyone else seemed to be an animal or have some metaphoric symbol, and then there's Green Bay with their 'G'. I figured it had to stand for something besides 'Green Bay'. Well, I was right! The 'G' stands for 'Greatness' which the team is undoubtably known for.

Ok now to wrap my thoughts of life into it. Well, everyone has a destiny, and they are somewhat like our logo's. After time, some people might think you should become something because of a coincidence, location, issues, family, and the list goes on. The only thing is, all of those things can change and for most people they do. Who you are, what your dreams and goals all reside in, that doesn't change. Everyone's destiny is engraved deep in their souls from the moment they are born. There's this longing/nagging feeling we have that pulls us closer and closer to the fulfillment we seek in it.

Sometimes life pushes you in all directions like someone on a raft in a stormy ocean. You become unsure of wether or not the destiny you've been gifted with should  be your own. You begin to redesign your logo. The biggest thing we forget when life get's like that is that YOU will always live YOUR destiny even if you try and label it something else. One cant eliminate their destiny without eliminating oneself.

In the end we are all destined to have 'greatness' as our logo, the thing people know us by, but only those who embrace it and live their lives as 'great' lives get to see their destiny lived out. Kinda like the NFL... only those who embrace 'greatness' will be great.

New

There are so many things every Christmas that people seem to want. Its not just a commercial holiday though, its this time of year so many dream, wish and hope during. It's as if the story of Jesus and Santa Clause give people the mindset that you can get more right now then during the 4th of July.

I somewhat understand the whole wishing with Santa Clause, but come on people we all know that jolly ol' St Nick is way too busy checking the naughty or nice list and finishing his toy list to make sure world peace happens this year. What, too pessimistic? I'm sorry. I will elaborate I promise!

What I don't get is why people wish and pray for things so much around Christmas. I am guilty of it too, but it just all hit me today and I questioned my motives. I was thinking of my last few blogs and wishing that it could all be possible. Is there anything wrong with wishing? No! It's just I wouldn't have been wishing if it weren't Christmas time.

When you come from the Christian standpoint of Christmas, you immediately think of the nativity. I bet some of you have one set up on your fireplace mantle, or coffee table! They are always so neat to look at. They are a display of a humble gift that everyone has a chance to receive. It's the best gift of all time.

Reading in 1 Peter today gave me a sudden giddy feeling, like I had just won a million dollars and more! It talks about salvation, how it's a gift from God worth more than anything we could imagine here on earth. Now when you think of that as our gift at Christmas time, asking for anything or wishing for anything seems strange. If you believe in Christ and have Salvation through Him there is nothing in this world that could top that! So why do people try to? Well, happiness is the only way to answer that.

I love Christmastime! So before you start thinking oh here goes the rants of a happy holiday stealing Christian, let me follow up my previous statements with something more optimistic. You see the things that always made Christmastime are the feelings that seem to overwhelm you. A mindset that anything is possible, and a liberating sense that happiness surounds people allowing everyone to feel like they are free to wish, hope and dream without holding back. It's the holiday where people realize how much good there is in the world, and how much hope is alive through faith. A reminder that God is with us. Time to spend with family and friends to cherish the meaning of 'relationships'. Christmastime when thought of and appreciated brings happiness in a natural and unforced way. It's something that you can't just create on your own. After the presents are unwrapped, the food has been eaten, and "It's a Wonderful Life" airs for the last time people don't just assume their positions in life again, they think of how blissful it can be. That the extra things that we are given and don't deserve are all the sprinkles on top! Beautiful additions that allow us to be thankful and humbled at the beauty of it all.

My "realistic" Christmas List

Here's the list of items I would like to see under my tree. Keep in mind that even though the title says "realistic" I'm 100% positive that I will not be getting most of if not any of these items. :)

• a Singer professional sewing machine

• a Cannon professional camera (18+ megapixels)

• Large linen canvas'

• A Tiffany & Co. Locket Key necklace

Dear Santa, I'm sick of Barbies...

Dear Santa,

I want to live out my dreams next year! I want life to be as exciting as I dreamed it would be as a child. Traveling, singing, acting, meeting new people, learning something new everyday, simply put not to have a bucket list but instead day by day seizing every opportunity to make it count while enjoying every single second. 

When I was little I remember making a list filled with the new Barbie and dress up clothes. Then, I got older and it progressed to nice clothes for work, instruments, make-up, and cameras. Now, I look at all of that and I'm not disappointed in my choices for presents, I used the heck out of everything I've ever gotten. I was never one to open a present and let it go to waste, I never got too much more than I needed and I love new things. But this year instead of asking for something that is tangible, I really know what I want (which is a first, because, even though I asked for things before, I never really absolutely knew what I wanted). So what do I want? I'm not going to be all predictable and say love or anything gooshy like that. Nope, instead I'm going to open up and be serious. 

I want a chance. The chance to live a spectacular life that involves making others happy and that in turn I would be happy too! How perfectly wonderful would it be to wake up Christmas morning and have a check written with your name on the recipient line and 1,000,000,000 written in the amount box? Oh, and a note attached saying that it was all tax free? Would I spend it all on a house and cars, or luxury vacations? No way! My life would then consist of living on only what I needed, and making sure all of my close friends and family were just as comfortable. Then, I would constantly be in a mental state of Christmas year round, giving to families in need at random and just sharing the gift that I didn't deserve just as much as anyone else doesn't. I would constantly learn and put the money to use in that way. Learning all the things I've ever wanted. I would travel and meet new people. Live different places for a while because I want to experience the culture. That's spectacular. I want a chance at that!

So Santa, yes it's I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet, and I also know that you've got a budget with the economy the way it is and all, but maybe you could check that naughty or nice list 3 times this year? I'm sure you could make a few more cuts, at least that's what everyone else is doing. With all the extra money you'd save from giving those kids Xboxs, NintendoDSs, and the pony's those rich kids get, I'm sure you could give me my chance. 

I'm sure this isn't the first letter you've been written asking for a chance, or money. I've thought long and hard about it though! I believe that there's a way for me to achieve all of the goals I have in life and money really is the only shot I have at getting there. Stinks, and I wish money wasn't what made the world go round, but lets face it, it does. IF there's another way to achieve my goals you know where to find me. My new place doesn't have a chimney but there's a radiator like in the movie "The Santa Clause" so I think we're covered. Or you could always use the front door since it would be less of a hassle. 

Enjoy the rest of your Christmas planning and such. Tell ol' Rudolph I said hey! 

God Bless,

Amber

Ponder

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
-excerpt from The Declaration of Inependence

Its crazy how fast life shoots by us. Sometimes we want to speed through certain parts while other times we wish that we could just sit back and enjoy it. I've found lately that I'm content with the speed my life is traveling, but I'm not really sure why. There's a lot going on in my life yet it's consistent with the same problems, same joys, same hurts and pains.

I've become content with the knowledge that my life is going to happen the way it's been designed to, like everyone else's. That was philosophical I know ha. When I was a kid I remember always looking forward to getting older. I wanted to be an adult, have a job, get married, raise a family of my own and then just keep life rolling. It was what everyone did. It was the dream of being happy for the rest of my life by doing what everyone else said life should be.

In America we have this idea of the "American Dream". It's the idea that you can live your life to the fullest and achieve whatever you set your mind to. The idea that everyone has the opportunity to thrive financially, emotionally, and physically, but is it realistic? It can be. Here's a shocker, thriving in all of those ways doesn't mirror happiness, and yet happiness is what the "American Dream" was based upon.

Anyone and everyone can be happy but, I believe that happiness is something that you come realize is simple. It comes in soooooo very many different forms. Family can bring you happiness. Friends can bring you happiness. Jobs, Education, Wealth... these can all exhort some form of happiness. Back to the simplicity of it, with all of those things bringing happiness to people a good question would be 'Why are so many people unhappy?' Most people become accustom to the feeling of happiness and then start searching for it. It's not that it's not right in front of them, it's that they have a hard time believing it.

Take Hollywood for example. You have multi-millionaire public figures, actors, and actresses, who work to earn the lifestyle that is identical to the image of the "American Dream" and yet they overdose, get DUI and OWI's, divorce over and over again, and sometimes go bankrupt.

Is happiness even noticed anymore? Or has it become a work of overworked thought? Simplifying it down to the idea that you can find it [happiness] everywhere, it's abundant in number, and yet it is priceless. That's what true happiness is.

Being Beautiful

My mind is racing through a million different subjects trying to figure out why I am on here typing. The title "Being Beautiful" I guess is what I should explain. So here I go.

You know how people always tell you to be yourself, not to let anyone judge you, don't listen to other people? The crazy part of all that jazz is the fact that when it comes to 'being yourself' people let the judgement of other people define who they are supposed to be. Take popular artists and people in the limelight for example. They are constantly fitting the mold that we make for them. Singing songs that we want to hear, acting out parts that we want to see. I don't know about you, but I never want to be like that. I would much rather freehand life than have it drawn out for me.

I love to paint. My paintings sometimes resemble some form of Picasso artwork, but all the same I get to stand back and look at it and say "I did that!" Making things look like Picasso may not sound like an accomplishment to some, but when you think about all of the people who are too afraid to pick up a paintbrush and just paint, well I made a huge accomplishment.

I'm not afraid to try things (as long as I'm not in any form of danger that would cause me to break a bone,  die, or end up in a penitentiary). No, even then sometimes I tend to be daring. But why not? I think it would be awesome if I were to die skydiving or something crazy and then when I'm walking through heavens gates Michael the arch angel says to me, "I give it a 10!" Ok so that's wishful thinking, but still awesome! Death doesn't phase me, my biggest fear is pain. After seeing loved ones pass and people go through horrible sicknesses I just have developed this fear of being in that situation. But trying things that wont get me sick, I'm all about.

So what does all of this have to do with Being Beautiful? Well, beauty is a huge question mark. Why? Because everyones see's beauty differently.

Do you want honesty?

So this is where I am today...

I've lived 21 years of my life so far. I've had 3 last names. The thing I've known the longest is music. I'm going back to school in the spring for music and possibly theatre. I talk a lot. The place I feel the most comfortable is the stage. I've been married, and then separated myself from it. I have loved. I have felt every emotion but hate. Sincerely, right now I feel alone. My entire life I've been taught to follow the path of Christianity, to know God and have a relationship with Him through His son Jesus who speaks through the Holy Spirit. In my entire life I have probably only missed 4 weeks without attending church in some form. The faith I've come to call my own is that of forgiveness, truth, compassion, and unconditional love. All of this combined has brought me to a point where I am confused by my life.

How could someone who was brought up in the way I have been and have all the things that I do feel alone? My entire life I have heard the words "I just don't understand you" and been completely crushed and frustrated by them. Many times people ask me to repeat myself, most often then not I reply with a quick "No!" Why am I so sharp? Because I know I am of no importance. That anything I say or do isn't in the slightest significant nor will it matter in the long run. I say that because no one in my entire life has done anything to show me otherwise. Of course I've been told differently, who hasn't? But when you get down to the nitty gritty of what everyone needs, I believe its what I have defined as my faith.

Forgiveness, Truth, Compassion, and Unconditional Love. They are all things I know exist. I've been shown several of them at different points in time in my life, but I've never seen it in its purest form whole and complete. I've never seen faith.

People think for some reason that faith is the same as acceptance. The only problem I find with that is that faith pushes people to change, to become better. Where acceptance allows the person to stay the same. Is change necessary? Whether or not its necessary doesn't matter, the fact is: It's inevitable. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, or even 5 mins ago. I've changed, and will continue to change. Things will become different to me as I continue to get older. Decisions will be made on my part that will alter everything about me.

Why does any of this matter? Because in all honesty the reason I feel alone, is because people allow their ignorance to keep them from having faith in me. To keep them from knowing that I am who I am in this moment and I can't change that; however, I can change who I will be in the next.

All I want is for people, or even one person, to realize that I've made mistakes, I need you to forgive them. I wont always know whats right, I need you to tell me whats true. I wont always have the strength and other things I will need, so I need you to show me compassion. And honestly, I wont always love, but I need you to show me it unconditionally.

I know my needs. God does all that, but he also knew that when He created Adam, he would feel alone because he needed a companion. My companion needs to show me that they're willing to be what I need. I am done fighting the fact that I long for companionship. That I've never had that. I need someone who finds they needs to make me feel like I'm the only person in the room. Who needs to love me because without that specific need they wouldn't feel complete. I need someone who see's eye to eye on practically every topic. Who's humble enough to admit when they're wrong, but strong enough to stand their ground when they knows they're right. I know those are my needs because I've done all of that before for someone else and never received it back. Companionship is mutual, not consensual. I will not settle any longer.

I want someone to need me, and not just say its so, but show it. That's what I'm looking for.