My mind is racing through a million different subjects trying to figure out why I am on here typing. The title "Being Beautiful" I guess is what I should explain. So here I go.
You know how people always tell you to be yourself, not to let anyone judge you, don't listen to other people? The crazy part of all that jazz is the fact that when it comes to 'being yourself' people let the judgement of other people define who they are supposed to be. Take popular artists and people in the limelight for example. They are constantly fitting the mold that we make for them. Singing songs that we want to hear, acting out parts that we want to see. I don't know about you, but I never want to be like that. I would much rather freehand life than have it drawn out for me.
I love to paint. My paintings sometimes resemble some form of Picasso artwork, but all the same I get to stand back and look at it and say "I did that!" Making things look like Picasso may not sound like an accomplishment to some, but when you think about all of the people who are too afraid to pick up a paintbrush and just paint, well I made a huge accomplishment.
I'm not afraid to try things (as long as I'm not in any form of danger that would cause me to break a bone, die, or end up in a penitentiary). No, even then sometimes I tend to be daring. But why not? I think it would be awesome if I were to die skydiving or something crazy and then when I'm walking through heavens gates Michael the arch angel says to me, "I give it a 10!" Ok so that's wishful thinking, but still awesome! Death doesn't phase me, my biggest fear is pain. After seeing loved ones pass and people go through horrible sicknesses I just have developed this fear of being in that situation. But trying things that wont get me sick, I'm all about.
So what does all of this have to do with Being Beautiful? Well, beauty is a huge question mark. Why? Because everyones see's beauty differently.
Friday
Do you want honesty?
So this is where I am today...
I've lived 21 years of my life so far. I've had 3 last names. The thing I've known the longest is music. I'm going back to school in the spring for music and possibly theatre. I talk a lot. The place I feel the most comfortable is the stage. I've been married, and then separated myself from it. I have loved. I have felt every emotion but hate. Sincerely, right now I feel alone. My entire life I've been taught to follow the path of Christianity, to know God and have a relationship with Him through His son Jesus who speaks through the Holy Spirit. In my entire life I have probably only missed 4 weeks without attending church in some form. The faith I've come to call my own is that of forgiveness, truth, compassion, and unconditional love. All of this combined has brought me to a point where I am confused by my life.
How could someone who was brought up in the way I have been and have all the things that I do feel alone? My entire life I have heard the words "I just don't understand you" and been completely crushed and frustrated by them. Many times people ask me to repeat myself, most often then not I reply with a quick "No!" Why am I so sharp? Because I know I am of no importance. That anything I say or do isn't in the slightest significant nor will it matter in the long run. I say that because no one in my entire life has done anything to show me otherwise. Of course I've been told differently, who hasn't? But when you get down to the nitty gritty of what everyone needs, I believe its what I have defined as my faith.
Forgiveness, Truth, Compassion, and Unconditional Love. They are all things I know exist. I've been shown several of them at different points in time in my life, but I've never seen it in its purest form whole and complete. I've never seen faith.
People think for some reason that faith is the same as acceptance. The only problem I find with that is that faith pushes people to change, to become better. Where acceptance allows the person to stay the same. Is change necessary? Whether or not its necessary doesn't matter, the fact is: It's inevitable. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, or even 5 mins ago. I've changed, and will continue to change. Things will become different to me as I continue to get older. Decisions will be made on my part that will alter everything about me.
Why does any of this matter? Because in all honesty the reason I feel alone, is because people allow their ignorance to keep them from having faith in me. To keep them from knowing that I am who I am in this moment and I can't change that; however, I can change who I will be in the next.
All I want is for people, or even one person, to realize that I've made mistakes, I need you to forgive them. I wont always know whats right, I need you to tell me whats true. I wont always have the strength and other things I will need, so I need you to show me compassion. And honestly, I wont always love, but I need you to show me it unconditionally.
I know my needs. God does all that, but he also knew that when He created Adam, he would feel alone because he needed a companion. My companion needs to show me that they're willing to be what I need. I am done fighting the fact that I long for companionship. That I've never had that. I need someone who finds they needs to make me feel like I'm the only person in the room. Who needs to love me because without that specific need they wouldn't feel complete. I need someone who see's eye to eye on practically every topic. Who's humble enough to admit when they're wrong, but strong enough to stand their ground when they knows they're right. I know those are my needs because I've done all of that before for someone else and never received it back. Companionship is mutual, not consensual. I will not settle any longer.
I want someone to need me, and not just say its so, but show it. That's what I'm looking for.
I've lived 21 years of my life so far. I've had 3 last names. The thing I've known the longest is music. I'm going back to school in the spring for music and possibly theatre. I talk a lot. The place I feel the most comfortable is the stage. I've been married, and then separated myself from it. I have loved. I have felt every emotion but hate. Sincerely, right now I feel alone. My entire life I've been taught to follow the path of Christianity, to know God and have a relationship with Him through His son Jesus who speaks through the Holy Spirit. In my entire life I have probably only missed 4 weeks without attending church in some form. The faith I've come to call my own is that of forgiveness, truth, compassion, and unconditional love. All of this combined has brought me to a point where I am confused by my life.
How could someone who was brought up in the way I have been and have all the things that I do feel alone? My entire life I have heard the words "I just don't understand you" and been completely crushed and frustrated by them. Many times people ask me to repeat myself, most often then not I reply with a quick "No!" Why am I so sharp? Because I know I am of no importance. That anything I say or do isn't in the slightest significant nor will it matter in the long run. I say that because no one in my entire life has done anything to show me otherwise. Of course I've been told differently, who hasn't? But when you get down to the nitty gritty of what everyone needs, I believe its what I have defined as my faith.
Forgiveness, Truth, Compassion, and Unconditional Love. They are all things I know exist. I've been shown several of them at different points in time in my life, but I've never seen it in its purest form whole and complete. I've never seen faith.
People think for some reason that faith is the same as acceptance. The only problem I find with that is that faith pushes people to change, to become better. Where acceptance allows the person to stay the same. Is change necessary? Whether or not its necessary doesn't matter, the fact is: It's inevitable. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, or even 5 mins ago. I've changed, and will continue to change. Things will become different to me as I continue to get older. Decisions will be made on my part that will alter everything about me.
Why does any of this matter? Because in all honesty the reason I feel alone, is because people allow their ignorance to keep them from having faith in me. To keep them from knowing that I am who I am in this moment and I can't change that; however, I can change who I will be in the next.
All I want is for people, or even one person, to realize that I've made mistakes, I need you to forgive them. I wont always know whats right, I need you to tell me whats true. I wont always have the strength and other things I will need, so I need you to show me compassion. And honestly, I wont always love, but I need you to show me it unconditionally.
I know my needs. God does all that, but he also knew that when He created Adam, he would feel alone because he needed a companion. My companion needs to show me that they're willing to be what I need. I am done fighting the fact that I long for companionship. That I've never had that. I need someone who finds they needs to make me feel like I'm the only person in the room. Who needs to love me because without that specific need they wouldn't feel complete. I need someone who see's eye to eye on practically every topic. Who's humble enough to admit when they're wrong, but strong enough to stand their ground when they knows they're right. I know those are my needs because I've done all of that before for someone else and never received it back. Companionship is mutual, not consensual. I will not settle any longer.
I want someone to need me, and not just say its so, but show it. That's what I'm looking for.
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